Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Dream Girl

Some days I could swear I see myself in a movie in my head. There are moments in time where I can almost picture a video montage of my life, of me working, driving around, doing everyday things. I can almost even hear a soundtrack sometimes. But it's not really me...at least not yet. Because often, it will be an improved version of me that I see.

Sometimes I can see myself typing at a computer, working on some photos, doing some office work, keeping things organized and together, being productive. I can see myself running and doing yoga and making healthy food choices, while still allowing myself to splurge every so often without feeling guilty for it. I can see myself helping other people, being able to share my soul and my story and having it help and encourage others. I can see the beauty project I have in my mind going strong and really making a difference in people's lives - I can specifically picture parts of my initial work, ladies I want to have a portrait of, a general idea of the composition, the song I want in the background - all of it. I can see myself making dinner and laughing with my strong, handsome man, working alongside him, sharing with him, gaining strength from him - and also see him learning from me as well, opening up, encouraging each other.

I'm not always certain, in my head, how much of what I see is really what I want, and how much of it is simply me daydreaming of a person I'll never be, as a way of dealing with the pressures this world throws at us. But these images come up so often, so strongly, so randomly, that I can't help but feel that I'm seeing visions of the life I'm truly meant to live, the girl I'm really on my way to becoming.

The main thing I notice about the girl in my daydreams is that she completely accepts herself and who she is - she loves herself and the life she's been given. She's happy every time I see her.

One other interesting thing I notice - my scabs are never something I think about in my daydreams. I never honestly notice if the scabs are there or not - there is no conscious thought of the girl in my dreams noticing how she doesn't have scabs to mess with. I think the scars are there, and she simply doesn't pay them any mind anymore. Really, for me, I see them in my dream as a mark of what I've put myself through, and how I've come out on the other side. Of a time when a girl who had a pretty sheltered life went through a period of time where she was silently begging for help, her pleas for attention and interest in herself clearly marked on her skin, where others could only see a physical blemish. There is a story to tell for me through these scars, these marks I've inflicted on myself. I don't know when that story will be finished, when it will be ready to be told. But I can feel the story building inside me.

I really want to have a good story to share, a way to help others accept themselves and love themselves just as they are, to see the true them and set them free. I feel it inside of me. I just have to keep walking, step by step, keep dreaming of the girl, and I know that I'll wake up one day and realize that I am her.