Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hey...it actually works!

I have a confession to make, one that makes me feel pretty silly and girly and ridiculous, but I want to share this with you today. It feels necessary.

I've been off on vacation for the past five days, and they've been so very wonderful...waking up when my body is naturally ready, playing some games, having some lunch, playing some more games, working on some photos, taking some photos, having dinner or fun times with my family and close friends, relaxing some more before bed, and repeating. For five glorious days. I didn't go anywhere fun like the zoo or a show like I had planned. I didn't do too much of anything most people would consider fun or productive, to be honest. But it was absolutely perfect for me.

So this morning, when I realized that I had to get up to an alarm and go to a day job (which, I should mention, has been very good to me and for me and absolutely realizes that I have value) that my heart really isn't in...I cried. I didn't want to give up the cushy lifestyle I'd lived for the past five days, even though it was only possible because of the day job I have. I didn't want to stop hanging out with Jon and my sweet furry babies. I didn't want to go back to not having a computer at home and being able to work on my photography. I think it was pretty natural that I was going to tear up. And I should let you know, I'm not talking a full out breakdown cry here lol...just a steady stream of my eyes welling up as I got ready.

So as I'm standing there, getting ready with tears filling my eyes, I made myself refocus my thinking. I reminded myself that this should be more fuel for my fire, that I should take the feeling of loss for my sweet vacation and use that to help me push myself more in my day job, so that sooner rather than later I can get back to my ideal life. I've already made my decision to go for that life - I just had to remember that I'm not there just yet, that I have to walk a little farther first and get some more things straightened out before I can confidently do what I want to do.

This thought helped me a little, but not quite enough. And then my memory verse for this month popped into my head - "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." And with that verse running through my mind, the tears dried up. I needed to be joyful today. I needed to remember to be thankful for the situation I'm in and the good I can do here and now, the benefits I can gain and the knowledge I still have ahead of me to learn. I needed to say yet another prayer that morning - that I could focus and remember what I'm working for, and not be discouraged as I work, but instead keep my head up and my eyes on my finish line and the start of the next chapter in my life. And it honest-to-goodness helped me refocus my thinking and dry up my tears.

I think I know the frustration a baby must feel, when they've learned to crawl yet want to walk so badly. I want to be able to just run straight into the life I'm feeling lead to, yet I know that I'm not prepared for it yet. I'm still in training, still learning, still growing, still strengthening. If I tried to go for it now, I would fail. Without a doubt. I'm meant to be where I am right now, doing what I'm doing. And I decided to turn my thinking around and be thankful for it.

It may not have totally changed my feelings and my mind - I'd still much rather be enjoying myself at home right now. But it helped correct my thinking so that I can still be productive today and feel good by the time I get to go home. All because I had something positive to refocus my attention on. It does work, my friends. :) I hope you can find the positive in your day today, that can help you keep moving forward!!

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