Monday, June 6, 2011

But I am Le Tired...

I'm tired today, friends. Tired of having to wake up to an alarm every weekday morning. Tired of having to be somewhere for a set amount of time, when I would rather be tons of other places. Tired of feeling like I'm on a treadmill with my life and not an actual road that can take me somewhere. Tired of feeling like I'm the only one working to make things better. Tired of feeling like I have to make things better, like I'm not worth anything the way I am now. Tired of knowing that I'm right and yet refusing to believe myself and make the changes necessary. Tired of feeling like I constantly have to change. Tired of just about everything, to be honest. And I'm not a fan of this feeling.

I want to enjoy waking up in the morning. I want to know that what I'm doing the majority of my day each day is something that can bring a smile to someone's face, help them see things in a brighter, more positive way. I want to be able to do things on my time schedule, at my pace, not someone else's. And I just don't know how to get to that point, or if I'm really capable of making it last in this world.

The world we live in is so oriented around money it's ridiculous. Most days, I really wish money didn't matter for anything, so that I never had to think about it, never had to worry about working for it. Yet I want my own place with my man, I want a new car, I want a computer at home again so I can stop feeling like I'm falling more and more behind each day. And of course, all of these things require money.

I'm so tired of working for money, thinking that one day I'll be at a point where I've got all I want and can stop striving so hard. Money is always going to be a factor, though. It's always going to matter. Do I think it's the most important thing there is? Of course not. But that doesn't stop the need for it to get what I want. I'm tired of vicious circles. All they do is wear you down and hold the heart hostage.

I've made the decision, for the millionth time, to eat better and take better care of myself. I've got lots of great foods that I'll be trying to keep prepared and easy for me to take each day. Hopefully I won't get bored of it too easily, I'm trying to find ways to switch things up a little. I'm trying not to focus on losing weight and all the fad ways of being on a diet, and instead focus on eating the foods I know my body needs and getting myself a bit more active, and trusting nature to do it's thing. I'm hoping this will give me more energy as well...maybe if I have more natural energy, it will help me to not care so much that I have to keep getting up early and going to a job. We'll see.

I want to actually help my company be better, and I know that what I've decided to do will move that forward. It's just a struggle to keep on top of it all, which I knew it would be. I'm trying to keep pushing forward, keep improving, keep on top of it all, trusting that with time I'll stop feeling so overwhelmed and I'll be able to handle it, trusting that I'll stop wanting to run away because it feels like too much. I've got to stick with it. At the very least, I need to so that I can leave this place better than when I came here. There are so many things I'd like to have, and I know that sticking it out will eventually give me the means to gain those things. It's just so tiring, and I can never seem to get enough rest.

I could sure use any prayers you can send my way, or positive feelings, or kind words, or what have you. I can't seem to fill myself up with happiness and compassion enough to share with those that I really want to share with. I want to be able to give more of myself again...yet I can't even take care of myself. So I apologize, here and now, for those of you that I care about who I've flaked on, or who I simply can't seem to be myself around right now. It's only because I'm so internally drained that I can't overflow. And yes, I do realize that might not make sense. But it does to me. lol Please know that I'm doing all I can to get this under control, so that I can be the friend I want to be again. I just need some help and love. I've been fighting my insecurities and trying to free myself from my past for months now, and though I'm definitely making progress...it's draining, and I'm feeling mostly on my own. My determination to be free is still holding on, still pushing me forward...I'm just shouldering most of this on my own, which slows me down. But I'll get there. Please don't give up on me. I love you all, more than you'll ever know.

2 comments:

  1. I just saw this on one of my friend's facebook pages and felt like you need to hear this:

    Fix your eyes forward on what you CAN do, not back on what you cannot change.

    When you first start making a real effort to make changes, your body is going to fight every last one of them. Why? Because it has grown accustomed and comfortable with status quo. A body at rest stays at rest, but a body in motion stays in motion. Also, it takes 21 days of doing something every day for a habit to form, so think of the first 21 days as your testing period.

    I know how tired feels. I feel it myself. This has been a difficult year for me, but I know chiefly why. The devil sees that I'm chasing God's heart with reckless abandon and he's going to do everything to try to get me to stop. The thing is, it hasn't delayed me a bit. Sure, I have bad days, and some days I feel like giving up is the only option I have left, but praise God that HIS grace is new every day!

    I'm praying for you my friend. <3

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  2. Thanks so much, Brandy! :) I noticed that you posted that quote as well...and I love it!

    I've been wondering myself if a good portion of why things seem to get better and yet more tiring and frustrating at the same time is because I'm finally digging down into myself to figure out what I truly believe and to heal my past wounds, and that the effort I'm making towards being a better me is being fought against by unseen forces. More and more I believe that spiritual warfare is incredibly real, and that it's probably a big part of what's trying to pull me back from improving. Thank goodness I have a stronger part in me that helps keep me moving forward. :)

    I appreciate the comment and the prayers. :) Goodness knows I need them! lol I've been praying for you as well...I really love reading your blog and hearing someone who is purposefully trying to stay on the positive side of all the things that can go wrong in this world. Keep sharing! :)

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