Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Anything is possible if a person believes...

"What do you mean, 'If I can?'" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father instantly cried out, 'I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" -Mark 9:23-24

I've become fed up, and boy am I ready to make a change. I've got to remind myself that these changes won't happen overnight, at the snap of a finger, simply because I desire them...there are some plans that need to be set, some actions followed, to get me there step by step. But I'm so very ready now.

My job has been very good to me over the past 4 years...they've helped me pull out of the financial rut I was stuck in, get myself back on good grounding, get some long needed bills paid off, and they've helped me grow my photography skills...but I'm so sick of how things work around here. I'm tired of hearing all the talk about making things better, about improving and trusting and working together, because no one ever acts on it. I'm tired of knowing that I'm only wanted for answering the phone. I'm tired of having to deal with making up sick days or foul weather days, of having to worry about vacation days and what time is free and who else might be gone. I've even taken on more responsibility, in the hopes of getting myself out of the role I have now and helping things run smoother. Now I know it's only been a week or so since they gave me the go ahead to try things my way, and I knew that the receptionist role I have now wasn't going to just be taken away from me. But I can tell that the struggle I'll have to go through to get to where I'd want to be is going to be more of a headache than I really want. I know in my heart that I don't want to be stuck here at this job the rest of my life. Doing this is not where I belong.

So I'm setting the basics of a plan. I want them to be able to supply me with the new computer I want and some small extra software & hardware things I want. And I'm going to take the responsibility I asked for and really get it into shape, make it so clean and so organized that when the time comes to hire someone else for my position, the new person can transition in as easily as possible. And then by this time next year, the beginning of June, I want to be able to leave this job. I wouldn't mind getting paid to take photos for them still, I wouldn't mind helping out with that aspect...but I'm not interested in the rest of it. I don't want this for my life.

So I'm going to try to save up some each month once we move, and have enough that I can happily take the month of June off next year just for me and really enjoy myself, give myself some fun for my 30th birthday. Something about being sick the past few days has really fueled this in me...this desire to not be working a regular day job for someone else. When I'm sick, I need to be able to reschedule things and take care of myself. I want to be in control of what I do and when. I don't want to be a 30 year old receptionist. I just don't want it. And so I'm going to do all I can to not let that happen. I've also been unable to save up for my birthday in years....I really dislike being the one to plan my own birthday festivities anyways, but when I have next to no money for myself anyways...I want to do something fun and special for my 30th.

I'm also going to attempt, yet again, to become healthier. I'm choosing to focus on the idea that as long as I get back up and try again, I haven't failed. lol I want to look better, naturally, but that's not what's motivating me. I simply want to FEEL better. I want to feel better during a normal workday. I want more energy, and to get sick less. And I'm starting to actually feel in my body when I haven't been eating well for awhile...I can feel myself breathing worse, feeling worse, and I don't want it. I want to breathe better, move better, be better. I have a big battle ahead of me with this, but I think I can do it. Heck, I've done it before, I KNOW I can, but I wasn't so aware of my shortcomings last time. I'm going to struggle with food....with getting stuck on a few staples and getting bored, with finding variety that I like, with learning how to actually cook so I can make my own food and not always need something already prepared. Learning to cook is going to be really rough for me, but I'm going to try to blog about it some, about how things go in the kitchen for me and try to take photos as well, so I can make it a little more interesting for you all. :) I will definitely need your support with that!

The main thing that holds me back in regards to taking better care of myself is going to sound silly, but that can't be helped. I have this deep, rooted issue with caring too much what other people think. I know that might seem to have nothing to do with anything, but if you stick with me for a few minutes I'll get you there. I simply care too much what other people think.

My first real experiences with cooking, all I can remember is wanting to ask my mom a bunch of questions, sometimes even double or triple checking something before I do it, and my mom getting so frustrated with me that I'd eventually be sent from the kitchen. Even cooking with Jon is difficult...they both simply know so much more than I do about how to prepare food, that my slowness and uncertainty always lead to them taking over and doing it all, leaving me standing on the side watching. I honestly won't cook in front of anyone if I can help it, because I just KNOW in my heart that it'll be taken over from me because I just can't do it well enough. And I know feeling like this is silly. I know that making me feel incompetent and afraid to even step in and try to help was never their intentions. Yet it's there, and it's real, and so I have to find my way past it.

I stubbornly don't want to work out or do things a certain way either, simply because I know others I care about feel that's the right way to do things, and something in me just doesn't want to give in to them. For some silly reason, I want to do things MY way, not the way someone else thinks I should. This is the silliest part for me, honestly. I don't know why what someone else thinks should matter AT ALL when it comes to this, much less keep me from doing something good for me simply because I don't want to admit to being wrong or lazy about something. Yet it's there as well.

I don't know exactly why I struggle so much with what people think just yet. I've been attempting to dig into it some to figure it out, but it's painful and it'll take me some time. But this is a root of my overall insecurity that is one of the main reasons that keeps me where I am, and it's going to have to be the first real root that I pull up and get rid of. There simply has to be a way of honestly wanting to know what others think and feel about things, without letting that desire and those opinions rule what I choose to do. The only way I can think to start is to simply jump in and do those things I know I need to do to be healthier (learn to cook and take care of myself), without letting myself give in to worrying if my friends and family will approve or try to sway me to some other way of doing things. I have to learn to not care if I screw up. (My other huge root of insecurity deals with a crazy fear of failure and screwing up...but that's a whole other blog we're not getting into right now. lol) Somehow, I have to learn how to be my own person with my own brain, who can care for others without being absorbed by others.

I want to have my own photography business. This is an idea I've naturally been playing with for awhile, but over the past day or two it's really cemented itself in my brain and heart. I really, deeply feel that somehow, I'm meant to be a beauty photographer. But not what you'd naturally think when you might hear that - I could care less about fashion or stick thin models. I need to find a way to do photography packages for women to help them see their real beauty they already have. Too, too many women are so hard and simply MEAN to themselves about how they look, and I can't stand it. I do it to myself as well, and I can't stand it when I do. I have to find a way to help women see just how beautiful they already are, to remember to look at themselves in a healthy light every day. And I really love to take photos of little ones as well...whenever I'm around a little kid, my hands start itching for a camera and the approval to shoot. I simply can't help myself with them. I have to be a photographer who can help the world see just how much love and beauty and truth there is already in the world. I don't know quite how it'll work out yet...but the pull inside me towards this is too great to ignore, and I don't think the world can do without it. I have to be able to help spread hope and love and an abilty to see real, lasting beauty. I've got about a year from now to figure out how I'm going to implement this, because once I take next June off, I'm going to be ready to start right in with my new career in July. :)

In order for me to really pull this off, I'm going to need Jon's help financially as well. But I know he'll be behind me, and he'll help me work out the details and get things going. Eventually I want us to both work for ourselves, taking photos together...yet I think that will be farther down the road. I simply know that as long as I have his support, I'll be okay. And if, heaven forbid, I have to go it all on my own, I'll find a way to make that work as well. I simply can't keep sitting where I am, day after day, with no end in sight. I have to fly.

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall? Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But there is a third alternative. Sometimes when you fall, you fly."
-Sandman, Fables and Reflections

P.S. - if any of you wonderful people actually read all the way through this and were able to grasp even a bit of the uncertainty and determination I tried to share, please let me know. This, I know, ties in with my inability to separate sharing and being myself without needing to know what others think...but I really do need to know that I'm heard and at the very least coherent. lol :)

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