Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Let the Rain

I suppose what I'm dealing with in my life right now is a transition period. Though I feel like I've been transitioning for entirely too long, that's where I believe I am. And I think it's why I feel so drained so easily most days.

I'm torn. I feel I'm meant to love myself whole-heartedly, to love myself good and bad, weak and strong. But I fail. All I can hear most days is how I'm failing...I need to be healthier, I need to be thinner, I need to be smarter, I need to be faster, I need to be stronger, I need to be better. I feel like everything in my life needs to be changed, revamped, made into a different person. How am I meant to love myself when all I can see are the ways I fall short?

For that matter, who decides if I'm falling short? Why do I let myself feel like others are constantly judging me? I know it goes on, but I also know that it's rarely as serious as I take it. When did I decide I was a failure at everything, and that I had to change to not be a failure? I want to please others too much. I want to be what they want me to be. And then I fight against this, because I want to be who I want me to be, I don't want my life run by the opinions of others. And yet I want to fit in, to be part of the group...but I don't want to sacrifice myself for it. And round and round it goes, resulting in...nothing. I can't move, because I can't agree in my own head about why I'm wanting to change and be different. And so I go nowhere, and keep having the same arguments with myself. I try to convince myself of the good I honestly see and want to cultivate, and seconds later the other voice in my head contradicts it, saying I'm really doing it for another reason, or that I'm just going to screw it up.

I have such a big problem with feeling like a failure, with screwing things up. I'm incredibly good at screwing things up. lol But I let that feeling of not wanting to mess up rule everything, and it's just not possible to never mess up. Making mistakes is part of learning, of improving, of getting to where you want to be. But I'm so terrified by it, so down-hearted when I do screw up, that I can't make progress. I have no idea how to fix this in myself. I don't know how to not care what others think of me, and I don't know how to stop caring if I make a mistake.

So much of what I feel I see too many sides of. It can be good to not want to mess up...but I take it too far, to where I scare myself out of doing anything I might mess up with someone else around. It can be good to want to make others happy and comfortable...but I take it too far, and let it rule what I do and how I act when sometimes it's not really me. I simply go too far.

Yet I can never seem to shake my determination to get back up and try again. Maybe I just really love to punish myself and make myself feel bad, I wouldn't be surprised. Or else I know deep inside that if I keep trying, keep moving, that eventually I'll get it right and the mistakes will stop. I kinda think it's a bit of both. lol And that, my friends, is what makes me a nutcase.

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

***************

Get it Right - Glee

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

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