Monday, April 4, 2011

Count your Blessings...

Geez, what a day it's been. Heck, what a year it's been already. My poor brain and heart have been dealing with so much lately that they feel like they're about to give out. But life only lets us move forward, so forward I go, even though I wish I had a place I could go to just stop time and simply be for awhile. lol I always seem to start out with so much I want to write, and yet when I get ready to start my thoughts get so scrambled that only a portion of what I wanted to write comes out. Today will definitely be one of those times. lol But I need to get some of this out of my brain, so here we go.

I started out today thinking, as usual, and came across some information on writing out a life plan. This idea is really interesting to me, and it's definitely something I'm going to sit down and do. There have been lots of times in my life where I've tried to start something similar, but I never can seem to make it last. I can sit down and write out things that I can feel myself being pulled towards, things I really want for my life, and I can start making some plans for how to get there. But my self discipline has gotten seriously out of whack, and I can never make anything stick. But this guy has some good ideas for how to lay it all out and how to set some goals, so I'm gonna see if it won't help me really start sticking to things. (The book is free right now if anyone's just have to sign up for the mailing list.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm my own worst enemy. I can't seem to discipline myself, so I pick at myself and let myself change my mind and make bad choices. I'm the reason so many of my friendships have become quiet. I'm the one who keeps holding myself back and keeps me from being brave and trying new things and trying to improve my life. I'm the one who keeps picking at myself...right in front of anyone who cares to look at me. (And yes, this is a much bigger thing that I've let myself think...I really feel like it's borderline self mutilation, similar to cutting. Except that I only mess with scabs that happen to me naturally and I let it be obvious and simply blow it off. But I'm beginning to realize that this just might be something much deeper than I ever thought.) Why I do this, I still couldn't tell you. On any given day, I could give you a slew of ideas as to why, but I still haven't found that root. But I know it's me. I know I'm what's standing in my way from making things better for myself and others that I love. It's like I think I deserve it or something, though I couldn't tell you why I feel that way. Sooner or later I'm going to need to do some serious journaling and really get to the roots of why I stand in my own way...but I'm terribly afraid of doing this as well, since I know it's going to bring up a lot of pain and problems that I don't really want to deal with. But it needs to be done, because I can't keep living like I do. I want to be so much better than I am, and I feel like I could get there if I would just do the work...and as much as I try, that's where I fall short.

I've come to two conclusions in the past few days. 1) Until I can truly decide exactly where I stand when it comes to if there is a God or not, my life is going to keep feeling like I'm lost in a sea. 2) Moving to Dallas was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made.

Quickly on #1 - this is something that will just take time. I've been honestly digging in deep for a few months now, and I'm starting to get some things straightened out in my mind, but until I keep digging and keep searching, I just won't know for sure. But it's going to continue to feel difficult for me until I can reach that final decision. Especially since I'm living with Jon, who's an adamant non-believer, and those that I really trust and open up to that are believers are all balance is somewhat out of whack. But I'm getting there, and this is actually something I don't worry about too much. I feel pretty confident that if the God I've been thinking and reading of is true, he's going to keep finding ways to help me believe. Jon and I got into a nice heated debate on Friday about this, loud enough that the cop across the street knocked on the door and asked if everything was fine...but we came to a good point by the end of the night, acknowledging that though Jon loves everything about me except that I love the one thing he really doesn't like, I'm much more open-minded and like him than he thinks, even though I believe what he doesn't. I can feel that we're moving in a good direction, even though it's insanely difficult, and that keeps me holding on. All the prayers for if we're right together or not have always led me to staying together, so I know it's all going to work out for the best. It's just difficult. But then, lots of good things are.

As for #2....well there's lots of reasons for me feeling like this. I've moved away from my family and most of my friends, putting even more strain on those relationships than there already was. Jon has started working again which is great, but it means he ends up spending a few days at a time in Gainesville, which has been hard. He really needs to be closer to his family to continue to help him, and we're not that close right now. Plus, I've always felt a little uncomfortable staying on my own in Dallas, and today finally proved me right - our apartment was broken into. While Jon was home, no less. A stranger knocked on the door, and so he looked out but didn't answer it since he didn't know him, went to get in the shower...and came out to the front door wide open and our laptop, playstation, and his iphone were gone. One of our sweet cats got outside as well, though thankfully we found her pretty quick. But still...I'm feeling completely violated and vulnerable. However, I'm incredibly thankful that it was only those 3 things they camera was right on the table, and we've got a nice TV, and Jon was in the shower the whole time, which could have turned out very badly for him. So Jon's ok, my sweet cats are ok, and the majority of our stuff is still safe, all of which I'm insanely thankful for. It's a big blow to lose our laptop and playstation and Jon's phone...there's so little that we actually own that's worth anything, and we use the heck out of them, so it seriously sucks that we're now without those. But much, much worse could've happened. Even still, I'm honestly going to be counting down days until our lease is up and we can move again. The only really nice thing to come from our moving to Dallas has been that for awhile, I was able to have a short commute to work. But our safety and our health and happiness mean much more to me than a short drive to and from work every day. So I'm ready to move and deal with the pain of finding a new place again and getting all our stuff moved.

Sorry this has been sort of rambling. There's lots going on in this little brain of mine, and it all connects somehow. Hopefully at least a small part of this made sense to someone. lol I at least feel a little better getting some of it out in the open. I would sure appreciate any comments or prayers you can send my way! I think it's pretty clear I need some help. lol :)

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, Linda! I am so happy that you are ok... I couldn't imagine someone breaking into my home. I'm glad your cat is ok... I know I'm crazy dog lady- but I would seriously flip if something happened to one of my girls.

    I'll be praying for you and your man. Even though he's an adamant non-believer that doesn't mean the Lord isn't trying to work in his heart. There is a man at my church that was atheist and only attended because of his wife. For like 10 or 15 years the church prayed for him and his salvation. Eventually this very smart man got to the point where he couldn't deny there was a very real God and he is now one of the most passionate followers at the church. His testimony is awesome. The fact the church stuck with him, didn't force him into anything, and just loved on him for so long even though he thought they were crazy is also very awesome. I'm pretty confident if you continue to pray that the Lord reveal himself to you that he will in some amazing ways. I'd encourage you to write them down. It'll be a good reminder on the days when you can't seem to feel him walking with you.

    I think once you take the step to work through some things that scare you now you'll feel relieved. I really do. A couple years ago I worked through some very deep hurts that I grew up hiding from everyone (even myself) and it felt so good to just let them go and move forward. It was very freeing. You'll come out better because of it, I know it!