Friday, February 11, 2011

Every Move I Make...


Friends - I'm about to bare some soul for you here today.  I hope you can handle it. lol :)  

My heart is being loved on so very much today.  I just have to share some of the things that have come in front of my eyes today and have touched my heart.  I think I'll do this in segments.  It's just how my brain works. lol  But I can definitely feel that I'm being watched over, in a good way.

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Holistic: of or relating to the medical consideration of the complete person, physically and psychologically, in the treatment of a disease.

I'm currently reading the book "Searching for God Knows What", by Donald Miller.  If you get the chance to read this book - DO IT.  You will thank yourself.  I've really been enjoying reading it and hearing his thoughts.  And the biggest thing he's pointed out, and one of the things I agree with most, is that there is no theological or mathematical way to God.  There is no "right" way, there is no methodology that you can follow to get yourself to God.  The only way to know God is to have a relationship with him.  We are relational creatures, created for relationships and born from them.  And that is the only way for us to get closer to God, to start to understand who he is and why he does what he does.  It's a matter of the heart.  

I came across the word above when he was speaking about what has happened to us after the Fall of Adam and Eve.  And to summarize (because to use the exact text I'd have to include a large chunk before it, which wouldn't make sense without reading more lol), he mentions that from observing the way we humans operate in the world nowadays, a formulaic christian theology, saying "if you do this and this and this, you're good", seems very small and irrelevant when compared to the holistic understandings of God's true message, to love God and love others as ourselves.  And I was curious about this word.  I've heard it used lots of times before...talking about medicines.  I've had a bad connotation of holistic in my head...it makes me think of medicines that aren't really medicine, of practices that don't technically do anything but make you think they do.  So I looked the word up, and found this definition, which intrigued me.  

To me, I think Mr. Miller is saying that the true message of God is meant to be holistic.  It's meant to take into consideration and heal not only our physical selves, but our psychological selves as well, our hearts, our innermost parts.  Our whole selves.  It was an interesting thought to me, at least. lol :)

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"It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is--not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself. Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat you down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what he found there?"


This has been one of the biggest things weighing on my heart lately.  I miss being sought after.  I crave it.  I need someone to search for me, who honestly wants to know me, what I'm thinking and feeling and why, and who will love me for it, who won't knock me down for being wrong or illogical or anything else.  

Before I go farther, please know - I know without a doubt that the people in my life love me and care about me.  I don't doubt that for one second, and I don't mean to come across as ungrateful or like I don't care.  Because I do.  More than I'm sure you realize.  But I'm sure we can all recognize this feeling....the feeling that no one truly understands us or gets us, that we simply can't seem to say or do anything without getting shot down.  Most people rarely mean to shoot anyone down, either, I think that's important to note.  There's always that saying "Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a great battle."  And I believe it's so easy for us to forget this, or to choose to ignore it  because we're fighting a great battle as well, and we want them to focus on us, not the other way around.  And so I feel that all too often these moments of getting shot down or being ignored or talked over are simply because the other person is fighting with something as well, and they can't quite see what they're saying.  I think this happens a lot more often than we might realize.  

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I'm working on myself this year, and it's freaking hard. lol  There's so much that I want to be, and so much that I feel like I'll never be.  I'm one confused, lost little girl at the moment.  But I think I'm gradually starting to find my way.  I'm re-reading through "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore at night.  I never got all the way through it before, and one of my goals this year is to finish it and 3 other books, so I'm working on it again.  It's going to be hard again, just like it was the first time I read through the first part of the book, but I think it needs repeating for me.  My insecurities are so deeply ingrained in who I am that I don't think one read through would've helped me take care of them. lol  But I'm very ready to work my way through it, as painful as it will be...because I know at the end, I get to learn ways to help myself not give into the insecurities, which is exactly what I need.  Good things are going to come from this...but it's going to take wading through a bunch of emotional crap to get to the good.  So please bare with me while I travel through this.  

I'm also reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller, like I mentioned before, and it's really opening my eyes as well.  It's giving me lots to think about, of what really happened to humanity after the Fall in the Garden, and how you can truly find God, the God we're meant to find. 

One of the biggest, most recurring points I keep coming across lately is the idea of humanity being relational.  Our hearts are basically the most important treasure we have.  And we're meant to share it openly, without concern for getting hurt.  That'll definitely take some work. lol  But I do think it's worth it.  And this idea has been lining up for me.  I've come across a devotional blog through a friend, which is all about falling in love with a community of women and with ourselves and God.  I've decided to join it and share my thoughts, and see where it leads me.  I've been working through some photography assignments on flickr with a group of people, and I'm finding a small new community there as well that I can converse with who are at similar points to me.  I'm slowly but surely finding new places for my heart to feel a bit more at ease, to feel like it can share itself.

"If then you are wise, you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal. A canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus without loss to itself [it shares] its superabundant water. (Bernard of Clairvuex)"

This has been a big goal for my life the past year or two, something I've been striving towards but haven't quite reached yet.  But I feel I'm getting closer.  I'm starting to feel out some answers I've been searching for, I'm working on toughening my skin, and I'm feeling the pull to share more of myself.  But I have lived like a canal most of my life...and burned myself out numerous times in the process.  I don't want to repeat old habits.  But I feel I'm getting closer to learning how to fill myself up and share myself without losing everything I am in the process.  


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One last thing to share, and then I'm done rambling, I promise. :)  I want to end this with the verse I've been meditating on the past week or two.  I chose a long section of scripture this time, and though I know I won't ever remember all of it (or at least, not for quite some time lol), I do remember the gist of it every time I think of it, and that definitely helps.  I think it's because I've been focusing on these verses that these other books/blogs and ideas have been falling into my lap.  So I'm going to keep focusing on these, even after I decide on my verse for the rest of the month.  I believe if I can keep this focus for myself, then I'll find what I've been searching for for so very long.  Be at ease, my dear friends.  Know that even though I'm not the best at showing it all the time, I truly do care for each and every one of you.  :)

"My son, if you accept my words & store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom & applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight & cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver & search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord & find the knowledge of God.

Then you will understand what is right & just & fair - every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart, & knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you, & understanding will guard you."

Proverbs 2:1-5, 9-11

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